I have been struggling with an eating disorder for many many years now. I’ve always been told don’t talk about things until you’re 100% ready to talk about things, well I’m 100% ready.

The first time my purged I was 17 years old and still in high school. I did it because I ate dinner and I felt so full that it made me feel disgusting, my friend suggested I just throw it up and it would make me feel better and it would help me keep my weight down. I had always been a little chubby. I was super confident with the way I looked at the time as far as my facial features, just not with my weight. I thought the idea was brilliant and immediately did it, and she was RIGHT I felt so light and good after that and had no guilt about what I had eaten. I didn’t think much of it and didn’t do it for a long long while after that.

Throughout my early 20s I would purge occasionally if I ate something that made me feel like I was going to gain weight, or even if I ate some thing and it just made me feel to full. I definitely did not purge enough to think it was a problem, or especially a diagnosis.

Around the age of 27, I was happily married, lived in a great house, had a great job,had two wonderful puppy children, a great family and even amazing in-laws. With all of these amazing blessings, I just didn’t understand why I hated myself and wasn’t happy in my own skin, but yet I did and I was.

I am currently 29 years old, I still have all of those same amazing blessings, and yet I have been purging consistently for the past two years. Within the last six months my purging has really become out of control, I was purging multiple times a day in an attempt to lose weight. Even with all of the purging I didn’t lose any weight consistently, I actually maintained it and the weight would just fluctuate between 5 to 10 pounds lost. It was definitely frustrating to say the least. I even used other alternatives to lose weight such as: diet pills, magnesium citrate, laxatives, and even restricting food. Nothing seem to work, and I felt completely hopeless.

I started noticing the effects of my now diagnosed eating disorder about a year ago. My throat would constantly be sore, and I would cough all the time. I’ve pretty much ruined my teeth due to all of the acid sticking on then from the constant purging. I blew many blood vessels in my eyes and constantly felt tired and weak. I passed out multiple times due to malnutrition to the point where I was scared to drive or even go to work. While all of these somewhat non-serious effects were happening to my body, I was completely unaware of the effects happening to my organs.

A few weeks ago while I was at work, I collapsed. My clinical director and fellow coworker lost my pulse twice, and I quit breathing. An ambulance was called and I had to be shocked in the ambulance because my heart was so out of rhythm. I was taken to the hospital, and after multiple blood tests, CT scans, ultrasounds, MRIs, EKGs, echocardiograms, and multiple other tests they determined that I actually suffered a minor heart attack. Yep, that’s right, I’m 29 years old and I had a heart attack. It was definitely a wake up call for me to seek treatment.

I reached out to the Laureate Psychiatric Hospital Eating Disorder‘s program in Tulsa, Oklahoma. After the first assessment, I was diagnosed with purging disorder. The hospital nurse said I needed immediate treatment. Even though I knew I had a problem, I was still in a state of denial and the news that I actually had a “diagnosis” hit me pretty hard. Unfortunately, there was no space available at the time and I was put on a waitlist. Well I finally got the very exciting(terrifying) news that they have a space for me to be admitted. Wednesday, February 17, 2021 I will begin my inpatient treatment at Laureate psychiatric hospital.